Will Ashley be prosecuted for assault? Will Danielle be returning to the show, and is she really having an affair with lesbian superstar Lori Michaels or is it just a way to launch another Housewife i-tune sensation? Did Danielle really break up Danny Provenzano’s marriage? Who is this “nephew” that Teresa failed to acknowledge and why did it drive her to violence? Will Juicy Joe go to jail for fraud? Which will Teresa lose first, her house or her mind? In a celebrity smack down, would Teresa kick Andy Cohen’s ass? And most importantly, when is the next season starting so we can find out what happens next?
No wonder the season 3 premiere of RHONJ was one of the most watched premieres in the franchise’s history. Sadly though, after Monday night’s episode, here are the only burning questions left in my mind:
• Is Teresa’s house redone or brand new, and just what is the technical difference?
• Is Melissa’s apron mink or fink?
• When did these dinners take place because I know it wasn’t on Thanksgiving and if this was a dress rehearsal, what did these people really do for the holiday?
• Just how short is Joey G?
• A mechanical bull? 4 Reals?
• Will the “new Teresa” embarrass Jaclyn for bringing sprinkle cookies to her party when she knew damn well that pignoli cookies are Teresa’s favorite? Or will Teresa accept them graciously and not toss them in the garbage like she did with Melissa’s sprinkle cookies?
• Did Kathy make those cannoli shells from scratch, or did she buy them pre-made and just fill them?
• Did I really just watch 2 whole scenes about cookies? Really? Cookies?
And since I am an RHONJ insider, and so am “in the know” about some of these hot topics, for all of you out there who I know are just dying to learn the answers to these scintillating questions, here’s what I can tell you. The real Manzo Fambily Thanksgiving was of course, at Carolyn’s house. Melissa’s apron is definitely fink. There is no such thing as a new Teresa as far as the United States Bankruptcy Court is concerned, although allegedly there was a new Joe Giudice at the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles until they took his phony license away. You have to be at least four feet tall to ride the mechanical bull, and it’s my guess Joey G. snuck in just over the wire.
Teresa’s house is neither redone or new, it’s an addition built on to an existing house, which is not even in Franklin Lakes at all but in Towaco, definitely the wrong zipcode, nestled just off a cozy shoulder on Highway 287. (There’s a reason they never shoot in Teresa’s back yard.) And since we all know from the season 2 reunion show that Teresa can’t pronounce let alone spell the word “renovate” maybe she shouldn’t be splitting hairs like this with Melissa.
And as for the controversy over the sprinkle cookies and the cannoli shells…I guess we’ll just have to do our best to hold on until next week to find out who will strike the next blow in the war of the whisks!
I hate to say I told you so but…….
And on a personal note, I’d just like to send a shout out to last season’s crew. Lenid, Gil, Carlos and Jacob, you are desperately missed. Say hello to Oprah for me.